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Text File
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1995-04-09
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25KB
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578 lines
As is usual with ST+ there is always room for a little fun on the disk and
this month is no exception......
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You know you're a redneck if your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a
ceiling fan.
You know you're a redneck if both your dog and your wallet are on a chain.
You know you're a redneck if your house doesn't have curtains but your pickup
does.
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What do you call a guy with no arms or legs...
...in your spicerack? HERB
...in a men's room? JOHN
...in a British restroom? LOU
...in a bank vault? RICH
...in a porn flick? DICK
...in a sound system? MIKE
...trying to swim? BOB
...in a sandwich? REUBEN
...propping up a car? JACK
...being climbed on? JIM
...run over by a train? BART
...in a flowerbed? BUD or PETE
...removed from the White House? COLIN
...put through a meat grinder? CHUCK
...being torched to death? BERNIE
...in your gas tank? PHIL
...under a steamroller? LANE
...in your drums? TOM
...under a train? SPIKE
...in a lettuce farm? MANUEL
...stuffed in a carryall? PACO
...drowning in the lake? GIL
...on your barbecue? FRANK
...starving to death? LES
...being cooked by cannibals? STU
...in a hayloft? BARNEY
...being stoned to death? ROCKY
...in a chicken coop? HENRY
...on a French farm? HECTOR
...dying of cancer? KENT
...in a pile of leaves? RUSSELL
What do you call a girl with no arms or legs...
...on your barbecue? PATTY
...in a sugar vat? CANDY
...when she's your sister's kid? DENISE
...in a sewer? FLO
...eaten by a Gila Monster? LIZ
...being shot out of a cannon? AMY
...being stoned for immorality? CYN
...stuck on a wall? PEG
...in a backpack? CARRIE
...in a shotgun wedding? MARY
...being screwed by a horse? MARE
...caught by a trawler? ANNETTE
...ensnared in a lawsuit? SUE
...trying to figure how she got that way? WANDA
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A lawyer and his brother, a doctor, were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out
in front of them and started snarling.
The doctor asked, "What should we do?"
The lawyer said, "I'm gonna run for it!"
The doctor replied, "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"
The lawyer said, "I don't have to outrun HIM - I only have to outrun YOU!" ----
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A man had a weird illness. Whenever he broke wind, it made the sound "Honda".
He asked his doctor about it but the doctor (after months of tests and
literature-reading) could not figure it out. Finally, just before he was about
to give up, he had an idea! "I'll call the Honda Company in Japan and ask the
company doctor!" Well, he called the Japanese doctor and was told by him to see
if the patient had an abscess in his teeth somewhere. Sure enough, there was,
and when it was treated the other affliction ended! When the doctor asked his
Japanese counterpart how he could make such a great diagnosis over the phone
from such a long distance away the man replied:
"Simple. Abscess makes a fart go Honda."
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Q: Did you hear what happened to the blonde tap-dancer?
A: She fell into the sink.
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An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse fell and broke her
leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.
Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.
"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.
"Yes," he replied.
"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that
drainpipe!"
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Lem and Clem stood by a car in which they had locked the key.
"Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it" Lem asked.
"No," answered Clem. "People will think we're trying to break in." Lem said,
"What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger
in and pull up the lock?" "No," said Clem. "People will think we're too dumb
to use a coat hanger.
"Well," sighed Lem, "we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to
rain and the sun roof is open!"
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Who say's what....T.N.G.
Worf : Shoot it.
Picard: Let's talk to it.
Riker : Seduce it.
Data : I do not understand it.
Geordi: I can fix it.
Q : I could do it better.
Borg : Assimilate it.
Kirk : Has anyone seen my hair?.....
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NEW SOFTWARE ANNOUNCEMENT
PC WIFE for Dos and Windows
For the truly lonely and scandalously ugly men with no chance of ever finding
the real thing.
NOTICE! This is not Freeware!
Manual and Quick Reference Guide
From the time you load this software, you are required to cash your pay-
check and send the entire amount to the address listed. We will send back the
money we think you will need each week.
Before installing, read all instructions in this manual and make several back
up copies of the original disks. This software has caused hardware damage in
some machines with short-tempered users.
This software, like many others, is claimed to work with Windows. It might.
It might not. If it doesn't, it is your fault. Buy a better com- puter next
time!
RUNNING PC WIFE
Okay you lovebirds, dim the lights and open that bottle of champagne. In-
sert the install disk (disk 1) into one of the floppy drives (A or B).
At the C: prompt, type A: or B: install. You will notice a faint smell of
perfume, a soft moaning sound, and the room may feel warm. You may feel slight
dizziness and a lack of good judgement. Don't worry. This is normal.
At this point an introduction screen will appear on the monitor. Press enter.
You will now be asked a few simple questions like those listed below. Please
consider your answers carefully.
1. Are you married?
2. Do you have any children?
3. Have you been married before?
4. How much money do you make? Alot?
5. Do you want to have children?
6. What time do you get home from work?
No answer is wrong. Remember, this is for losers. The program will ad- just
for any combination of answers. Once you have answered all 2,486 questions,
the program will automatically begin. The computer must remain on at all
times. An Uninterruptable Power Supply (UPS) would be a good addition to your
equipment for full enjoyment.
HOW IT WORKS
There are several programs and files that are used in the operation of PC
WIFE. Do not delete any of these files.
README.DOC- Who does? You might want to read this six months from now.
PISS.EXE- Timed program, runs every afternoon.
MOAN.DAT- Data file used with PISS.EXE.
PMS.COM- Program runs once a month, however, can also run at any time, or not
at all. (Do whatever it instructs!)
WENCH.EXE- Program runs when requested. You may have to request this several
times to get it to run. Begging may help.
BITCH.EXE- Program will run sooner or later. Be patient. Negative feedback
aggravates the program.
Note: Runs more frequently if you drink or are late from
work, or if you are late in complying with any PC WIFE
request.
BITCH.DAT- Data file used with BITCH.EXE.
CLEAN.EXE- Merely a reminder program with a handy "clean the house" pop- up
menu. Failure to follow instructions given carefully will result in more
frequent executions of BITCH.EXE. Frequent running of BITCH.EXE could cause
more frequent action of PMS.COM. This is not a preferred situation.
MIL.EXE- A mother-in-law simulation program creates a noise similar to a
parrot with its foot hung. Running of other programs in PC WIFE not complying
with requests in a timely manner will determine duration and volume of program
execution.
DINNER.EXE- A handy reminder program consisting of phone numbers for pizza
delivery (or fine dining establishments).
SECRET FILES
There are many hidden files in PC WIFE. If you are lucky, and blessed with
quick reflexes, you will not endure the wrath of these files.
REMINDER
Sign the enclosed Warranty Death Beneficiary Registration Card before in-
stalling this software. Mail card and first paycheck 10 days before in-
stallation of program.
REMOVING PC WIFE
Once PC WIFE has been running five minutes, it will be in complete con trol
of your house, car, and life. If for any reason you are unhappy with your PC
WIFE, there is only one way to loosen its hold on you. Upon receipt of all
deeds, bank account holdings and titles, legally signed over to our company,
we will gladly terminate 90% of PC WIFE functions.
If at any time a cheque for 75% of your earnings is more than five days late
in arriving, PC WIFE will be reinstated with all hidden files on ac- tivated
status.
DISCLAIMER
The makers of PC WIFE hold no responsibility for damage, medical costs, loss
of sanity, financial ruin, or any other potentially adverse effects from
running this software.
Thank you very much for your purchase and continued support.
Till Death Do Us Part Software, Inc.
******************************************************************
AND DON'T MISS OUR LATEST CREATION
PC CHILD!
THE PERFECT ADDITION TO PC WIFE!
A mere nine months after installation of software, a heady perfume of am
monia and manure will permeate your home. Yes! For one entire year, your house
will not only smell like a baby lives there, but it will sound like you are
the proud father of triplets! Shrieks, screams and giggles will emit at random
times from your SoundBlaster. Fool neighbors and friends with 2 am feeding
wails and gurgles that last well past dawn!
As if that wasn't enough, slimy drool and vile-smelling, green glop will
spurt from your floppy drives many times during the next 18 years. Yes, 18
YEARS! Amaze your friends! (A keyboard condom will be included in your
purchase.)
You want MORE?? We've GOT more! Hard drive fevers in the middle of the night!
Simulated trips to hospital emergency rooms! Report cards! Calls from the
principal! PTA meetings! And when your PC CHILD turns 16 years old, you'd
better buy a new car, because your child will be DRIVING! Yes, DRIVING! AND
getting in car wrecks on the average of twice a month! Watch your insurance
rates climb!
And the fun goes on and on and on. We can't tell you everything. That
wouldn't be any fun, would it? But we suggest you start bugging your computer
retailer now for PC CHILD. Your PC WIFE will want one every two or three
years, and you don't want to make her angry! Trust us.
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"I just got a new hearing aid. It's the best one I've ever had."
"What kind is it?"
"Oh, about 9:30......."
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The dumb blonde was invited on an outing so she decided to shop for some
luggage. She asked the clerk, "Do you have any overnight cases?" "Yes'm," he
said.
"You'd better give me seven of them, then. I'll be gone a week."
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A sensational new shortstop was being interviewed by the press.
The trouble was, the guy spoke so quietly no one could hear him.
One of them finally asked the coach, "What's the matter with him?" "Nothing at
all," replied the coach. "That's just the way the rookie mumbles."
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What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, it won't come anyway.
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A father took his young son to the opera for the first time.
The conductor started waving the baton, and the soprano began her aria. The boy
watched everything intently and finally asked: "Why is he hitting her with his
stick?" "He's not hitting her," answered the father with a chuckle.
"Well, then," asked the boy, "why is she screaming?"
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A man walked up to a vending machine, put in a coin, and pressed the button
labeled, "Coffee, double cream, sugar." No cup appeared.
Then two nozzles went into action, one sending forth coffee, the other, cream.
After the proper amounts had gone down the drain where the cup should have
been, the machine turned off. "Now that's real automation," the man exclaimed.
"This thing even drinks it for you!"
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What do you do with a dog with no arms and no legs?
Take it for a drag.
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There was this guy who went to Spain. One day, he goes over to the bullfights
and watches as the bullfighter kills the bull. After that afternoon of
excitement, he gets hungry and goes over to a cafe right next to the arena of
the bullfight. There he looks at the menu, and orders the special, "Meatballs."
The waiter comes out with 2 huge meatballs and the guy eagerly eats it. The
bull fight was so interesting, he came back the next day and went over to the
cafe again to have the delicious meatballs. This continued on for 5 or so days,
until the guy goes to the cafe and the waiter comes out with 2 dinky little
balls.
"What's wrong with the meatballs? Why are they so small?" asks the man.
"Well, Senor, sometimes dee bull weens," said the waiter.
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Soon after the Texas Aggie clocked in for work, the foreman called him over
and told him that he had a phone call in the front office. When the Aggie
returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hyng low. His
foreman noticed and asked if he had recieved bad news.
"Shure was Boss" he replied, "I just found out that my mother died earlier
this morning. "Gosh, thats awful," replied the foreman "Do you want the rest of
the day off?" "No," replied the Aggie. "I'll finish the day out." About an
hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone
call for him up front. This time when the Aggie returned he looked twice as
glum and the foreman asked if everything was alright. "Jezz, Boss this has to
be the worst day of my life," moaned the Aggie. "That was my brother, and his
mother died today too!"
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There was this frog on a lily pad, in the middle of a pond, surrounded by
alligators. He didn't want to be eaten but he couldn't think of a way to get to
edge of the pond without being gobbled up.
Then, as he was about to give up, he looked up. Up in a tree was an owl.
He called to the owl and asked, "Mr. Owl, I am stuck on a lily pad in the
middle of this pond, surrounded by alligators. How can I get to the edge of the
pond without being eaten?"
The owl looked down at the frog and said, "Well Mr. Frog, it is obvious. You
should fly off your lily pad to the edge of the pond."
Hearing this, the frog began to flap his arms frantically. He then leaped into
the air so as to fly to the edge of the pond. But instead he fell right into
the open mouth of a nearby alligator.
Just before the alligator closed his mouth, the frog shouted up to the owl in
the tree, "Mr. Owl, didn't you know that frogs can't fly?"
The owl responded, "I do concepts, not implementation."
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This man walks in a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey Joe, how about fixing
me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?"
Joe says, "Well hell, what's the matter?"
The Man says, "Well, my son has just come home from college and I found out
he's gay."
Joe says, "Man that's terrible," and gives the man his whiskey and beer.
Two weeks go by and the same man goes to the bar... He walks in and says, "Hey
Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?"
Joe says, "Well hell, what's the matter this time?"
The man says, "Well my other boy just come home from college and I found out
that HE'S gay."
Joe says, "Man, that's a damn shame," and fixes him up with the beer and
whiskey.
Three weeks go by and the man comes bursting through the doors and says, "Joe,
I want you to fix me up with every f*cking drink you got in the house!"
Joe says, "Geez, doesn't anyone in your family love women?"
The man says, "Yeah, I just found out my wife does..."
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The dare devil stunt woman had lost her balance. The psychiatrist was
attempting to establish a friendly relationship to facilitate treatment.
"Tell me about your work," he said. "What do you do?"
"Well," said the stunt woman, "I jump off cliffs, I wrestle man-eating lions,
I swim under water for fifteen minutes at a time and jump out of moving
helicopters."
"My gosh! How do you manage to *live*?"
"I take in laundry."
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A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the
confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for
him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him
to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes
and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have
sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed
adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two
Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later
another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father forgive me for I have
sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Priest: "How
many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the
box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got
it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have
sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How
many times?" Woman: "Just once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a
special this week, three for $5."
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Four Indian chiefs went into a restaurant for a bite. The maitre d' asked, "Do
you have a reservation?"
One Indian chief answered, "Certainly. In Arizona!"
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There's this guy in a bar that's saying he knows everybody, and will bet
anybody on it. So this guy walks up and says, "I bet you don't know Burt
Rynolds." He says come on, they hop a plane to Florida, show up at Burt's door
and Burt says, "Hi Bubba, how have you been? Come on in!"
On the flight back home the guy says, "I'll bet you another $100 you don't know
Bill Clinton." So they catch a flight to D.C. Sure enough the walk into the
oval office and Bill says "Hi Bubba, what are you doing here? It's real nice to
see you again!"
On the flight back home he says to Bubba,"I'll bet you double or nothing you
don't know the Pope." Bubba says "Look I don't really want to take your money,
me and the Pope go back a long way, Really, pick somebody else." Figuring he's
got Bubba on this one, he insists, so they board a plane for Rome.
When they get to Vatican City, Bubba tells the guy, "Look, they aren't going to
let you in here with me. Stand right here and in 10 minutes I'll be on that
balcony with the Pope." After a little squabble he agrees.
Sure enough 10 mins. later there's Bubba on the balcony with the Pope.
Bubba looks down to see the guy passed out on the ground. He runs down to see
what's wrong and the guy says, "OK, you know Burt Rynolds, you know the
President, but when the guy behind me said, 'Hey, who's that guy up there with
Bubba' I passed out!"
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A rancher owned 900 cows and three bulls. The biggest bull had 500 cows, the
middle bull 300 and the smallest had 100.
One day they overheard the rancher talking about getting a new bull. The
biggest bull said, "I ain't giving up any of mine, so you two be ready to lose
some of yours." The middle one said he wasn't giving up any, and so did the
smallest bull.
Several days later, a cattle truck pulled into the pasture and stopped.
Right away it began shaking and rocking until the entire rear came flying off
and our roared the biggest, meanest brama bull ever seen.
The three bulls looked at it in amazement and the big bull said, "Oh heck, I
may be willing to share some of my cows." The middle bull agreed.
The smallest bull began pawing the ground and snorting. The biggest bull looked
at him and said, "Are you crazy? look at the size of that sucker!"
The small bull answered, "I don't want to fight him. I just want to make sure
he knows I'm not a cow!"
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During the 7-day Arab-Israeli war, the opposing armies were camped extremely
close to one another on the first night of the war. One Israeli yelled out:
"Hey Abdul, are you there?" On the Arab side, Abdul stood up and said "Yeah?"
The Israelis took out their machine guns and mowed down Abdul.
The second night, another Israeli yelled out, "Hey Mohammed, are you there?" On
the Arab side, Mohammed stood up and said "Yeah?" The Israelis took out their
machine guns and mowed down Mohammed.
On the third night, the Arabs got smart. One of them yelled "Hey Moshe, are you
there?" The Israelis yelled back, "No, Moshe isn't here but is that you,
Achmed?" Achmed stood up and said "Yeah?" and the Israelis took out the machine
guns and mowed down Achmed.
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"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"
"Oh dear, now the chef has no meat to put in your entree!"
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Drinkwiski is working at the lumberyard pushing a tree through the buzz saw
when he accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the
emergency room. The doctor takes a look and goes, "Yuck! Well, give me the
fingers and I'll see what I can do." Drinkwiski says, "I haven't got the
fingers. "
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? Its 1993!
We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques! We could have
put them back on and made you like new! WHY didnt you bring the fingers???"
Drinkwiski says, "Well, geez doc, I couldnt pick 'em up."
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Well, you know where to be next monh if you want more of the same....
